Monday, July 21, 2014

Warning: this is not a happy post.

I'm in a bad place emotionally.  I'm taking it out on others.  I'm crabby with coworkers, distant with friends, short with my parents, and irrationally angry with the boy.

I talked to my doctor, and she said these types of mood swings are a common side effect the first few weeks of a new medication, but that things should level out soon.  I have to give this medication a solid try because it is treating both chronic pain and anxiety.

It's a horrible feeling.  I am a kind and empathetic person to my core; I don't like who I've become over the last few weeks.

Things I'm doing this week to heal:
-Therapy session (long overdue)
-Reading fiction
-Mandatory hour of mindless humorous Netflix before bed
-Not blogging about my love life
-Not reading any self-help books or articles

Just have to remind myself that this will pass.  The friends will sympathize, my family will get over it, coworkers don't matter, and the boy (if he's the right boy) will be patient.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

"I'm not becoming I??" Sabrina asks herself, alarmingly.

Fortunately, I'm only obsessive in thought, not in action.  Not yet, anyway. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Accepting and not expecting

Thanks everyone for your perspectives on my last post.  I've been in a personal funk the last two weeks, feeling oversensitive and extremely emotional.  It coincides with a new antidepressant, which makes me wonder how much of all this is just my hormones stabilizing.

Last night BF and I had plans to hang out.  When I messaged him to confirm, he informed me he'd been home sick the last few days.  I asked if he wanted to reschedule, and he gruffly replied (or so it sounded over text) that he had cabin fever sitting at home and could use company for a bit.  Not exactly a warm response.

But when he came over for a short visit, he was his usual self.  I teased him about being a whiny baby; he teased me for being unsympathetic.  He kept squeezing my hand, shoulder, and thigh since we couldn't get too cozy.  Before he left he suggested we meet on Saturday.

He's committed and I have to accept it.  He shows it through actions like asking me to be his girlfriend, introducing me to his extended family & friends, always setting up the next date, and inviting me to weddings.  He makes me laugh to the point of tears.  He's not perfect, but he's by far the greatest guy I've dated.

Making mountains out of molehills and setting expectations way too high will be the death of this relationship!  Be happy, Sabrina, until you have a reason not to be.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Needing a little something more

I can't put a finger on why I feel this way, but I feel like the boy is taking me for granted. And once I get something in my head, I can't not focus on it.  It's driving me crazy and I need to stop.

Again, I can't fully pinpoint this, and it's driving me nuts.  We've hung out every night since Thursday.  He continues to make time for me, asks when he can see me next, has invited me to another out of town wedding next month.  He makes me laugh, our chemistry is wonderful, he compliments me, and remembers minor details from things I've said ages ago.

And yet, sometimes I wish there was more romantic effort.  Cheesy, flowery romance makes me gag, but it would be great to see more of an effort in trying to "woo" me.

I don't want to play games.  I don't want to ignore him or pretend to be unavailable.  It seems better to just say something. But does it come off a bit bitchy or entitled to ask for a little more thoughtful dates that don't involve Netflix?

Or the fact that we've been dating nearly 7 months and I've not received a single present from him - and seriously, I'd take my favorite candy bar or the $1 flowers they sell on Fridays downtown.  I want a little thought and effort, some proof that he thinks I'm worth it.

It's strange, because he seems to be speaking all my "love languages".  Is this a normal ebb and flow once the novelty of a new relationship wears off?  I can't figure it out.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

What will never be

It looks like I'll never be Mrs. Ryan Gosling, after that b*tch Eva Mendes entrapped her 7 years-younger boyfriend into commitment by getting pregnant.  Well played, Eva.

My bitterness is feigned, don't worry.  While I slightly condemn women who get pregnant to keep a man (and I'm not saying this is what Eva did)... I can kind of see why they might.  When your boyfriend of many years is stalling, you know you want kids but don't have many childbearing years left, you have an "accident."

It's a huge gamble and you could end up with a resentful husband or an absent babydaddy.  Not worth it!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Random World Cup musing

Every screen in my office has been playing the World Cup, and during the Germany-Brazil game, we all stood there open-mouthed for 20 minutes.  

A random thought just occurred to me...with all the alcohol and emotion down in Brazil right now, how many World Cup babies will be born in 9 months?  And how many of them will have parents from two different countries?  

Monday, July 7, 2014

Needy or Normal?

I just got home, after traveling for about 30 hours.  I'm exhausted.  And yet, I so desperately want to see the boy.  I texted to tell him I'd made it back safely.  Is it too needy to ask when we can see each other? (i.e. tonight, pretty please?) Or is this normal girlfriend behavior?

Remember, my frame of reference is skewed:  I once dated a guy for 4 months who didn't acknowledge my birthday because he had to prepare for an interview, so I suggested coming by his place for a quick birthday hug (for my own birthday), which he declined.

Update:  texted a couple of hours ago, kept it vague to this week rather than today... let's see!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Gratitude vs Happiness

Highlights from the day:  hiking along waterfalls and ziplining across the rainforest canopy for a good hour, one thrill after another!  

Gratitude, I most certainly lucky am I to be able to visit one of the most beautiful places on earth?!  But happiness is another story.  It's terrifying.   I fear I'll become an addict to joy who may have it taken away cold turkey.  

Yes, it's typical Sabrina and believe it or not, I am working on allowing myself to feel happy with being afraid.  

Today, I looked at a text from the boy.  We'd talked on the phone everyday for three days before my trip, when he himself was traveling.  Then, right as I was boarding, he sent a sweet text saying he was already excited to see me when I got back.  I couldn't stop smiling as I buckled in and powered down my gadgets.  

Now that in laying in my hotel room, I've looked at the text again. And his email in response to mine yesterday.  It makes me happy.  And it makes me be having these silly gushy feelings I may one day regret.  

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Airport indulgences

 Having spent far too much time stuck in airports, it's a very pleasant burst of indulgence to be granted access to the United Premiere Lounge.  

I'm making a lunch out of cheese, crackers, cookies, and wine.  

Soon off to my 36th country!

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Cliches that work in both ways

"Absence makes the heart grow faster."  I rely on lovely cliches to make myself feel better.  But there's the flip side of trite romantic sayings, like "out of sight, out of mind."

I'm excited about my upcoming solo trip, and I'm fairly certain there's nothing to worry about regarding BF, short of my usual worries which are genuinely just fueled by my personal anxiety/mild depression..

I'll email him once or twice while I'm there, hopefully with a fun picture.  I'll text him letting him know when I'm back home.  I'll try not to get offended if he doesn't respond, since virtual communication and small talk are not his strong suit.

Instead, I'll focus on the cute things.  Like how the last time we were at a restaurant, he played footsie with me and when I teased him, he said "I just want to touch you and I'm using my hands to eat."

Or like how he adorably drunk called me last night, fairly incoherent, but said a few times that he missed me.  :)