Another ode to being single? Why not?

A friend sent me this old post from Thought Catalog, 10 Best Things About Being Single.  Because seriously, one of my top Internet searches is "why being single is awesome."  And a close second, which may stem from the first, is "can you get pregnant from doing [insert intimate act here]".

(I know, I know.  One day I'll meet a wonderful man and none of this will matter but until then, please tolerate my ode to singleism) 

Here are the 10 with my own story:
1.  Not being required to care about anyone else's opinion.
Although I'm a people-pleaser, I like that I can mostly be selfish.

2. Moving at a moment's notice.
I moved to San Francisco on a whim from the Midwest.... no apartment, no job, no friends.  Because I could.  I decided that if I hated it after 3 months, I'd try Seattle or New York next.

3.  Enjoying your friends.
Not just enjoying your friends, but meeting new people and not worrying your partner doesn't get along with their partner.  Plus, doing whatever I want on a Saturday night without wondering what "we" have planned.

4. Life is an open book.
I don't have to move across the country for someone else's job or MBA, or buy a house because his parents are pressuring him to settle down

5.  Dating.
First kisses = amazing.  And sometimes awkward.

6.  Getting to know yourself.
I'm a work in progress.  But knowing myself better means I also know what I will and will not compromise on.  At 23, I would have said "fuck no" to dating someone who didn't attend an Ivy League (god I was awful).  At 30, I care more that a guy is financially stable.

7.  Parties for one!
Every night at my apartment.

8.  Only one set of parents to worry about.
And siblings.  And cousins.  And pets.

9.  Not having to worry about grooming.
Bodily functions are gross.  I'd like not to think about anyone else's.

10.  Being able to focus on your career.
I took 2 years off from working (i.e. earning) to get an MBA.  I can take risks, sacrificing a bit of pay for an opportunity.

Mr. Rape Whistle

I always give nicknames to men I encounter, but here's one nickname no guy should ever have:  Mr. Rape Whistle.

Backtracking to Sunday's boozy festivities....among my group for the day was a good-looking and very tall man, with whom I was harmlessly flirting.   I'm generally a flirtatious and affectionate girl, but I wasn't interested in him, so it was just for fun and not sexual... in my mind, anyway.

As the day wore on, he got handsy, and I'd firmly push him away with a smile - I didn't want to make a scene and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was just being playful.  Of course, it's all fun and games until the guy corners you, lifts up your skirt, tries to yank your undies off.  Moments after that terrifying incident, he came up behind me and unhooked my bra under my shirt. 

At this point, I was drunk, without a working phone, and miles from home without any means of transportation, so leaving the group was not a smart option.  So I formed a protective barrier around myself with the only other girl in the group and a gay guy, as we waded through the throngs of other drunk costumed people.  

This is the first time that some harmless playful flirting went too far.  Though I don't think the worst would have happened, Mr. Rape Whistle clearly didn't take my cues well and thought I was doing the playful "no means yes" nonsense.

I'm not traumatized, I'm just appalled.  For a brief moment on Sunday, I was questioning myself - did I ask for it by being flirty and wearing a sexy costume?  A conversation with Penny brought me back to reality... no one actually asks for unwanted sexual attention.

Bay 2 Breakers, the drunk recap

Just when I thought things couldn't get crazier, I found myself standing in a conversational circle at a house party with not one, not two, but THREE guys I've had sex with at some point in the last 2 years.

Seriously.  Am I giant whore, or is this city that small?

Other crazy things that happened today:
-I petted what I thought was rubber snake but was in fact a real snake
-I passed out asleep on the grass in the park for 30 minutes
-I urinated in the parking lot of the DMV (in my defense, lots of other girls were doing it too)
-I drunk-dialed my dad to wish him a happy 60th birthday (yay) and advised him to eat more carbs
-I drank alcohol from a stranger's Camelbak
 
Sorry for the drunk post, friends!  It's most definitely time to hit the sack at the ungodly hour of 6pm.

Getting ready for my favorite holiday....

Like a typical mature thirtysomething, I spent Saturday shopping for a viking costume, vodka to fill a flask, and Gatorade.  Because tomorrow is the quintessential San Francisco holiday, Bay to Breakers.  This SF institution is technically a 7 mile race, but in reality is a drunken costume street party in which over 100K people participate either as runners or spectators.  At 6:30am (yes, you read that correctly), Traci and I are going to a party and then following the mass of humanity towards the ocean with flasks in hand (or in Traci's case, stronger substances). 

I call this outfit "Modern Viking."  Grand total: $10.  The skirt is BCBG and barely covers my ass; but at $3.50, it's an amazing find!  And the helmet, oddly enough, is from work.

Oxford comma appreciation

My love for the Oxford comma apparently has gone too far, based on this conversation:

To give you context, in my profile I mention I am good at pet-sitting and enforcing the Oxford comma.  Meanwhile, this creeper wrote that he dislikes the Oxford comma.  Although I was joking in my response to him that this is a deal-breaker, I do vehemently believe in this vital punctuation mark.  If you don't believe me, look at this: 

Love in the time of scarcity

[Guest post by Penny]

Ladies,

I have two online dating dilemmas for your consideration tonight.

Bachelor #1:
Based on our OKC profiles, we were 96% compatible (which is a lot), and shared many of the same interests. We exchanged a few emails and he seems to be all the things I'm looking for: smart, articulate, professionally successful -- and he seems to have good taste in things that are important to me. So he asked if we could meet and I agreed. However, although he knows where I live, he suggested a meeting place in his neighborhood (about 7 miles away) -- actually, it's a bit south of where he lives, and in the opposite direction of where I live. In other words, very short trip for him, and substantial trip for me. This, to me, shows the kind of self-involvement that doesn't bode well for a future relationship. But then again, I've been trying very hard not to pre-judge guys before meeting them, because a lot of guys I've met online have turned out to be very different from what they seemed. (Some much better and nicer, and some much worse.)

Bachelor #2:
He is a lawyer who just bought a house in a suburb. Not one of the cool, dense, accessible suburbs that have lots of quirky restaurants and such. We have a couple of suburbs like that in my area. But that's not where he lives. He lives in a really boring, ugly, cookie-cutter suburb with no soul. And he doesn't have kids (at least, not that he admits in his profile), so there is no good reason on earth for a normal single person in his 30s to live there.
He could be a nice guy, but he sounds kind of losery. In addition to voluntarily exiling himself to a truly awful place with no soul, he also has appalling taste in music. He loves musicals. Other favorites include: "Jim Brickman; Lady Antebellum; Sarah Mclaughlin; Michelle Branch; Three Doors Down; The Beatles; Life House; Phil Collins; Taylor Swift; Evanescence; and Utada Hikaru, and anything Disney." I am not making this up. A straight man in his 30s. Note that he could not even spell Sarah McLachlan's name. Normally that would not be a deal-breaker, but she is one of his favorites. I guarantee you I can spell the name of any artist I consider a favorite.
However, he looks attractive in his pictures, and he messaged me first (always a plus). And you know how I get annoyed by guys with a Peter Pan complex -- i.e. guys who refuse to get a grown-up job despite having the ability and opportunity. So the fact that this guy has his act together professionally and financially is a good thing -- even if he is making bizarre housing and entertainment choices that make me question his judgment.

So, what do you think? Should I meet either of these guys, or both -- or neither?

It's the little things

It's the little crap that gets you through a rough patch.  Two semi-uplifting moments in the last 24 hours:

1) I treated myself to delicious tea from the Aveda salon, which has a hefty pricetag of $17 for 20 teabags, but worth the splurge.  It's a slightly sweet licorice-mint flavor.

2) At work they handed out t-shirts for our volunteer event tomorrow.  When it was my turn, the person handing out shirts looked at me and said, "You need a Small, right?"  It's nice that other people don't see the same giant whale I see when I look in the mirror.

Stole the mug from a creperie in St. Louis

Why yes, she did say that

If anyone ever doubted my adolescent sense of humor, they need not look past the name of my wireless network at home, ThatsWhatSheSaid. 

In an effort to explain American culture, I once told a foreign exchange student that this joke is a great way to make people feel embarrassed and slightly perverted by shouting "that's what she said!" after they make seemingly benign statements.

Two recent favorites:

"I'm going to put this in my mouth, and it's not going to look very ladylike." - courtesy of Skeptic at dinner this week in NYC, referring to sushi

"Pushing the button isn't going to make it come any faster" - two women waiting for a slow elevator, as one repeatedly pushed the Up button in frustration

Sad attempts at maintaining my girlish figure

 

This is dinner. I am extremely hesitant about eating foods if I don't know exactly what they contain.  Losing weight (80lbs, woohoo) is hard but maintaining is even harder!  Especially at the rate I drink wine.

I don't eat in restaurants too often unless it's sushi (I only get sashimi or simple rolls), or if I really really enjoy the food and am willing to ignore calories. 

This is my attempt to eat healthy at the airport as I tuck in for a 6 hour flight back to San Francisco.  Price tag: $22.81.  Twice the cost of a McDonalds meal, which is so sad.

Kitchen utensil analogies

Whenever I visit our NY office, I have built-in entertainment in form of 3 rows of 23 year old boys that sit in our team's area.  23 year-old boys do have interesting and insightful things to say, if you listen closely.  Overheard:

Dude 1:  I've never been little spoon
Dude 2:  Really?
Dude 1:  Yeah I can't imagine what that would feel like, a girl cuddling you from behind??
Dude 2:  No man, try it.  It's awesome.
Dude 1:  A real man is never little spoon.
Dude 2:  Whatever, you've probably never been big spoon either.
Me (trying to sound serious):  Have you tried chopsticking?  Butt to butt, that's the best. 

Silence.