Tuesday, July 29, 2014


My friend showed me a new dating app she's using called JSwipe, which  is essentially Tinder for Jewish people.  I wonder what other religions/ethnic groups have their version of Tinder.  As much as I hate the Tinder model (I'm bitter that no one ever wrote me on Tinder besides creepy out-of-town visitors), I'm all for technology helping people meet.  Has anyone used it?

As we went through my friend's JSwipe, we came across this guy with the most amazing profile picture.  I told her she should like him just to get the story behind it.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Teenage-level angst

Who is making a mountain out of a really teeny molehill?  This girl!  Warning:  the following anecdote should be confined to Seventeen magazine's traumatic stories (i.e. it has about as much value as high school drama).

The other day, laying on BF's bed, we decided to Facebook stalk a friend's fiance, because I'd that the fiance has crazy facial hair.  I logged into my account and typed in my friend's name, which begins with the same letter as BF's first name.  The first search result that popped for a milisecond was BF.  It immediately went away because the second letters don't match up.  He didn't say anything.

BF and I are not FB friends, so the fact that his name popped up first is a sign I've looked at his profile a few times (not a lot, I swear).  His eagle eye probably noticed... but does it matter?

This is anxiety, people.  It's your brain saying your boyfriend saw that you were stalking his mostly private FB profile and therefore is breaking up with you.  Logic?  What's that?

And then I wore white pants and got my period.  (Ok, that didn't happen).

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Measuring time

My romantic feelings have lately taken on an obsessive feel.  Not in action, only in thought.  Like measuring time by when I get to see the boy.

It's strange.  I'm certainly not short on other activities to keep me busy.  I've spent as much time with friends this weekend as I have with BF.  He's been quite sick so we haven't so much as kissed in over two weeks.

I've just been craving the comfort of his presence.  Reassurance, maybe.  Last week, I had a serious talk with him about communication and since then, he's upped the effort of messaging everyday.  It makes me feel warm and appreciated that he's receptive and not dismissive when I tell him what's bothering me.

This week I'm traveling for work to my home city and able to stay through Sunday.  Lucky me, a free trip home.  Yet I'm already thinking about how I hope I get to see BF the night I return to San Francisco in a whole week.  Get a grip, Sabrina!

Other update: I've been trying to tone down the "worst case scenario" thinking that fuels anxiety.  It's hard to train your mind not to go there.  For example:  spent a few hours at BF's place this evening.  I could sense he was getting tired (being sick), so I said I'd leave and let him rest.  The anxious side of my brain was nervous that he didn't insist I stay longer.  Worst case scenario thoughts raced through my mind, mostly "this is the beginning of the end!"   Realistically, the guy was sick and probably wanted to be alone or zone out.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Therapy and moral hazard

My long overdue first therapy session in ages last night was great.  The therapist said a few things that really stuck with me, such as how anxiety is all about "worst case scenario thinking" and his goal is to get me out of that mindset.  He also reminded me that I'm not responsible for anyone else's feelings, when I confessed to him that I'm a people-pleaser.

However, there's one teeny tiny problem:  the therapist is HOT.

He's really hot. He's so hot that I would giggle like a giddy girl if he ever approached me in a bar.  He's so hot that I'm having "therapist/patient" sex fantasies.  He's so hot that I secretly want him to say he can't have me as a patient any more because he has a crush on me.

I'm sticking to my resolution of not blogging about my love life this week (why make my anxiety worse?) but I do have updates, both good and bad.  

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Funnies and randoms

This sums up my Facebook feed:

And I discovered this hashtag on Twitter, #diamondsofthe30X.  Non-San Franciscans: the 30X is the express bus that goes between downtown and the Marina neighborhood, which is the land of gingham wearing bros and Lululemon clad former sorority girls.  Or rich families.  I'm stereotyping, but it's not exactly a neighborhood known for its racial or economic diversity.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Warning: this is not a happy post.

I'm in a bad place emotionally.  I'm taking it out on others.  I'm crabby with coworkers, distant with friends, short with my parents, and irrationally angry with the boy.

I talked to my doctor, and she said these types of mood swings are a common side effect the first few weeks of a new medication, but that things should level out soon.  I have to give this medication a solid try because it is treating both chronic pain and anxiety.

It's a horrible feeling.  I am a kind and empathetic person to my core; I don't like who I've become over the last few weeks.

Things I'm doing this week to heal:
-Therapy session (long overdue)
-Reading fiction
-Mandatory hour of mindless humorous Netflix before bed
-Not blogging about my love life
-Not reading any self-help books or articles

Just have to remind myself that this will pass.  The friends will sympathize, my family will get over it, coworkers don't matter, and the boy (if he's the right boy) will be patient.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

"I'm not becoming this...am I??" Sabrina asks herself, alarmingly.

Fortunately, I'm only obsessive in thought, not in action.  Not yet, anyway. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

What will never be

It looks like I'll never be Mrs. Ryan Gosling, after that b*tch Eva Mendes entrapped her 7 years-younger boyfriend into commitment by getting pregnant.  Well played, Eva.

My bitterness is feigned, don't worry.  While I slightly condemn women who get pregnant to keep a man (and I'm not saying this is what Eva did)... I can kind of see why they might.  When your boyfriend of many years is stalling, you know you want kids but don't have many childbearing years left, you have an "accident."

It's a huge gamble and you could end up with a resentful husband or an absent babydaddy.  Not worth it!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Random World Cup musing

Every screen in my office has been playing the World Cup, and during the Germany-Brazil game, we all stood there open-mouthed for 20 minutes.  

A random thought just occurred to me...with all the alcohol and emotion down in Brazil right now, how many World Cup babies will be born in 9 months?  And how many of them will have parents from two different countries?  

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Gratitude vs Happiness

Gratitude, I most certainly feel...how lucky am I to be able to visit one of the most beautiful places on earth?!  But happiness is another story.  It's terrifying.   I fear I'll become an addict to joy who may have it taken away cold turkey.

Yes, it's typical Sabrina and believe it or not, I am working on allowing myself to feel happy with being afraid.  

Today, I looked at a text from the boy.  We'd talked on the phone everyday for three days before my trip, when he himself was traveling.  Then, right as I was boarding, he sent a sweet text saying he was already excited to see me when I got back.  I couldn't stop smiling as I buckled in and powered down my gadgets.  

Now that in laying in my hotel room, I've looked at the text again. It makes me happy.  And it makes me terrified...to be having these silly gushy feelings I may one day regret.