I caught up on the phone today with a friend I haven't talked to in a year. In talking to her, and reading Bluemoon's post about a relationship unraveling, it made me angry at myself for still feeling upset over the one 'relationship' that I thought really had potential. This one dramatically went flat with no explanation. (Those of you who have read my blog for awhile might have heard this, so my apologies)
I'd been dating Mr. Asshole for about 2 months; he was not only one of the most attractive guys I'd ever dated, but I loved how expressive he was about his feelings towards me. He boasted about me to his friends, he thought our relationship could be "it," he made all sorts of plans for the future. The littlest things, like taking me camping and bringing extra blankets because he knew I hated sleeping bags.
One day, he planned a double date with his best buddy &buddy's girlfriend so I could meet them. Mr. Asshole sheepishly asked if he could introduce me to them as his "girlfriend." Adorable, right? We had a fabulous dinner during which his buddy pulled Mr. Asshole to tell him awesome I was.
That night, we spent the night at my place and spent Sunday morning laying in bed, talking. We continued to text all of Sunday. Monday night, he called me to say hi, we chatted about work, and then he asked if he could come over the next night to cook dinner. He said he saw a recipe in the New York Times that I'd love. Cooking together was a pretty typical weekly thing for us at that point, and we agreed on 7pm.
On Tuesday evening, I'd bought both red and white wine on the way home, not knowing what he was cooking. 7pm rolls around, and I don't hear from him. 8pm. 9pm. I finally call and leave a voicemail.
I never heard from him again. Per Facebook, he wasn't dead or ill. Months later, I ran into him at a bar and calmly told him he owed me apology. His only explanation was "it just wasn't working out."
I knew I'd ultimately dodged a bullet, but this hurt for a really long time. It still does. I felt so betrayed. I still can't help but compare every guy I've ever gone out with since to Mr. Asshole. With Mr. Asshole, there was instant connection, both emotional and physical. I couldn't believe that a guy who was that smart and gorgeous found me attractive.
That's my one big jaw-dropping story, the one I tell to entertain new girlfriends. It's my horrible badge of honor.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
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16 comments:
Truly a milestone of shitty behavior! And then men wonder why we're so guarded and don't trust them immediately.
Damn! That is insanity. I will NEVER understand the way some people think. Never. Why bother with all of that talk, that UNSOLICITED, UNPROMPTED talk about the future, if you're just going to bail like a big old emotionally broken, non-feeling asshole?
I don't blame you for still being bothered by it on some level. Not only does something like that just hurt, but the logical part of me wants to understand what happened. It wasn't working out? WTF? People can be really gigantic cowards sometimes. :(
This type of shit just makes me so angry only because I know what it feels like when someone you care about, and with whom you thought the feeling was mutual, completely drops off. No questions are answered, there's no closure and it leaves you wondering for a long time WTF happened. I don't get how people can just do this especially after getting to know someone. After a date or two, eh, but two months? Unacceptable.
Almost the same thing happened to me. I was in a fantastic relationship for around 2 months, we were (I thought) crazy about each other--he had brought me to meet his parents, and seemed to enjoy showing me off to all his friends. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he broke it off. I was crushed.
If it makes you feel better, I feel the same way about it. It was a long time ago, so I'm obviously better than I was right after it happened. But I still get upset about it from time to time, and I'm sure every friend I have is sick of hearing about it. I don't think it makes you crazy or anything--those kinds of things are awful and they stick with you. It does get better the more time goes by, though. And hey, you're always welcome to vent to me if you ever have a weak moment. I definitely get it.
Jesus, that’s just shitty. (HA “shitty” feels like an understatement of the worst kind here…) What is with guys like this? Are they just putting on a happy face, trying to make it work or are they just playing a game or getting cold feet?
Why not say “You know, I’m sorry, I thought this was working but I realized I’m not ready for the commitment I feel coming on” or something along those lines?
Damn. 2 months may not constitute a face to face breakup but it does require a phone call at least or hell an email. ANYTHING. And who just makes plans and then doesn't show up or call....EVER. That's pretty crazy. Sorry hun. I can't imagine how that would feel. Very confusting to say the least.
Thanks for the support, everyone! It's been over a year at this point but it obviously still makes my blood boil.
It's particularly hard because this was the first time a guy was really into me - every guy I'd dated before then made minimum effort and I was doing all the work. Sigh, I'll never understand men.
Hi Sabrina- I just happened upon this blog and LOVED it. You seem very real and down to earth. I live in SF too, and even though our situations are different, I feel like you touch on things that everybody feels. Keep on doing what you're doing! I believe if you keep being open and searching, you will find what you're looking for.
So like...this has happened to me. On more than one occasion. And it DOESN'T. MAKE. ANY. SENSE. One time, the guy ran into me at a bar a few months later, checked me out, but made no verbal contact (he was with his new lady). He texted me later to tell me I looked good, but she gets jealous. Ass.
Another time, I had heard the guy switched teams...but the last heard he was living with some girl.
And the last time it happened, I stalked the shit out of the guy until I GOT an explanation...but that's a WHOLE 'nother ball park of crazy.
Now that I think about it...I should write an anonymous blog about my failed relationships. I've got at least 2-3 novels' worth.
/end ramble
That being said, there was obvi something wrong and the dude but that feeling of WTF...you may always wonder...but in the end it will have been for the better.
You can anonymously guest post here any time, Quirky Chrissy :) Ultimately, I think guys disappear because they're just too chicken to send a quick "It's not going to work out" text - NOT that this is acceptable either, but it's better than disappearing!
Your lucky he did you a favor sounds like a pathetic excuse for a "man"
What a coward! Someone who flees confrontation will do it in all areas of life. I am sorry he hurt you, this would be hard for anyone to get over. He over-promised and couldn't deliver the goods. False hope. Ripped the rug right from under you. I think you dodged a bullet. A man like this is a real people pleaser. I dated one and lived with him for 2 plus years. He was a sayer and no a doer and his words and actions were just like Asshole's.....opposites. Every guy you date brings you closer and teaches you what you need to find the right one for you. Also, at least his was cute. Practice can be sexy, too.
Wow. I just had a man ask ME out, but I couldn't make it...But I gave him a counter offer that I new he could make...and he responded that he would THINK about it...didn't see him and haven't heard from him in 2 weeks...it is amazing how bizarre men are..especially when they are doing all the pursuit and you are just trying to reciprocate...then they go...wtf? Mostly..these are the immature and insecure ones. There are always signs that they will do this..but we ignore them bc we want to date...like..you KNOW this guys isn't going to be your Mr. Darcy...but you try to rationalize dating him bc things are slow...Don't settle..and make them prove themselves..trust me...the majority of them couldn't prove themselves to a paper bag..they are that lame!
Anonymous, I get the impression these days that men are dating a lot of girls, and so they have very little incentive to be courteous and follow through. It's a sad reality :/
I guess he might have been...IDK...he is kind of a dork. I had to blow him off a lot bc (for a month) bc I had to study for finals..so maybe he thought I was stringing him along and decided THIS was the last straw!! LOL. It just is disappointing when you are trying to be nice by giving an alternative and he totally blows you off!! Like it is totally pricky...especially because he had been keeping in contact for 6 months through school all and doing ALL the pursuit...so weird..and we are facebook friends...ugh! All you can say is he's not the right guy. A nice man wouldn't act this way.
Though no stranger to asshole behavior, I dropped my jaw at this one. I understand not being able to be 100% honest with someone when something isn't working out, but to totally put up a front like everything is magical and lovely, well that is astonishing. It's hard to get closure that way, I've been through something like this as well.
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